Scathing Atheist 109: This Lukes Familiar Edition

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Morning this podcast is not safe .
For work but only because your boss is an asshole.
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It yes do you and Nikki shame he's making me take my see ya Eric we did in fact events and fifty Mecca me and again yeah.
That it's thursday its march 19 and how they get two chefs key I have no idea I have no illusions I'm heat that right and from top of the simplest Valdosta Georgia.
This is the skating on this week's episode can handle tell us who would win if Jesus got into a fight with an asteroid the Lord taketh away a penis but science gives it back and Lucinda's join us from another buck in gospel but first the diamonds.
So last week I agreed with an intellectual malfeasant that embodies everything i hate about motivated reasoning and this week I'm going to bitch about an intellectual heavyweight that I absolutely fucking love and it didn't have to be this way guys I was gonna do this whole diatribe about the fuck wit preacher at my niece's wedding that hijack the captive audience to tell us all about how Jesus Jesus was and it all worked out my head that's what I plan to do all week and then this shit with patton oswalt hit my radar now full disclosure here i am a huge patton oswalt fan.
Hell he almost made young adult watchable he's one of those guys that knows all the words but he still says fuck a lot he's hilarious he's an atheist he did the sky cake bit for fuck's sake.
And so with years of slobbering fandom under my belt all of a sudden here's this click baby headline about him comparing Bill Maher and richard dawkins to Fred Phelps.
Shirley was taken out of context right after all this was a raw story headlined i was looking at their just one step up from tabloids most of the time so they probably just cherry picked a few words out of context riled up a bunch of atheists try to try some traffic their way right so I went to the original interview on salon and I read the whole thing at first I'm just reinforcing this feeling that the wrong story headline was unjustified at the beginning as well that's just it was talking about how people should be allowed to talk about whatever they want these trees justifying rape jokes he's justifying racist jokes he's making the point that seems absolutely contradictory to the context that raw story would have left me expecting right and then about two thirds of the way into the interview that dude from salon rope cement now up until now has essentially been making the point that people should be allowed to make jokes about whatever they want to joke about.
And new sights like salon should be able to get pissy about him the editor that's interviewing him David daily is arguing the comedy might be a great place to start the conversation but outrage does the grunt work now the problem arises though when Oswald get so married to his point that he starts defending it even when it becomes absurd so daily asks him about Bill Maher how he feels about Bill Maher's approach to islam and then he says it quote I feel about Bill Maher and richard dawkins the way that most Christians feel about Fred Phelps.
End quote so wasn't enough to just throw the subject of the question under the bus had to make an unscheduled unprovoked stop so we could drag one of our generations greatest science communicators onto this bus only they could then toss him under - he goes on quote look being an atheist means you don't give a fuck about what anyone believes in.
I don't think any of its real but you can go ahead and do it i'm not trying to destroy religion and quote now we actually goes on to say even more dumb shit on this subject but let's just start with this fred phelps comparison since it was so pivotal to all the cliq baby headlines.
I assume what he means here is that he's ashamed of the way that Dawkins and mom are present the message that he agrees with after all about half of american christians agree with Phelps's basic premise about God hating fags they just don't like the way he delivers that message so the qualitative part of this comparison i guess is to suggest that Mar pointing out on his show that Muslims are responsible for way more than their fair share of religious violence is approximately as inappropriate as it would have been if he showed up in a religious funeral service with a giant Nietzsche quote on a board with a with a bigoted slur on it somewhere to those two things are about equally deserving of shame and Oswald's mind apparently also Dawkins did some unspecified thing that's also that bad.
Look I disagree with Oswald's placating we can all just get along - monstrously ineffective take on the promotion of rationalism I disagree with the insinuation is making that there's no real harm in religion or that institutionally indoctrinated children to believe that science is their enemy is just a matter of personal preference i disagree with the blanket.
Get-out-of-jail-free card he waves over every manner of religious violence later in the interview by suggesting that religion can never have anything to do with it.
I don't agree with the way he's defending Charlie abdominal one chin and then lambasting bill maher out of the other but it would be the height of bombastic bullshit to compare them to fred phelps because of it.
No matter how much i disagree with his approach and as to this absurd notion of proper atheism requires complete apathy towards what other people believe that's even more insulting.
What what I don't care if you if you don't believe the gay people should have equal rights I don't care if you believe that transgendered people aren't really people i don't care if you finance a worldwide child rape amnesty campaign I don't care if you carve out exemptions and American laws that allow you to import misogynistic policies in the work which I don't care if you restrict access to contraception I don't care if you convince mentally ill people that they're filled with demons that you can exercise will fuck you and your dispassionate cowardice I do care and I care enough to be outraged but to hear Oswald said it's all right to not believe all that stuff as long as you're not a jerk about it is this half-assed effort to reach across the aisle is predicated on the.
Preposterous idea that somehow we can look at God belief in a vacuum as the religion can be divorced from all the consequences of religion as though there was some innocuous way to base once entire worldview on a self.
Contradicting lie that takes moral authority out of your own hands and places it in the hands of an unvetted Stewart as though there was a harmless way to believe in god they're talking about brought over there was no use with you.
Joining me for headlines tonight as the men with the magic tongue Ethan right heat.
Are you ready to give the listeners a little oral pleasure all right well you guys think you can finish in like 53 minutes you think you can manage I'm out of here.
Whether you're done or not in 53 minutes sounds more than fair in our lead story tonight from the defaulter boys file the united states court of appeals for the seventh circuit ruled last week that there is officially no such thing as the religious liberty to refuse paying millions of dollars in damages to rape victims.
You have to pay them even if you're a church now you might be thinking.
Doesn't that mean we had that Liberty for a while.
Yes it does it really really does yeah and as crazy as this might sound the new decision is actually a reversal of the 2013 ruling that somehow existed and said the opposite.
Yeah no doubt part of the lower court's concerted effort to make the judicial guano coming from the Roberts Court see moderate and comparison and it might have worked.
So the case applies to the Catholic Archdiocese of Milwaukee who managed to employ at least 45 priests accused of sexual abuse when it became clear to them that pedophile staffers represented a financial risk then archbishop of Milwaukee Timothy Dolan tried to hide about 55 million dollars in a secret trust account even wrote a letter to the Vatican explaining the evil plan calling the trust quote an improved protection of those funds from any legal claim and liability and quote admit and Dolan has since been promoted to cardinal and Archbishop of New York for his business savvy I guess yeah so for those of you keeping score at home they signed the settlement then they hit a shitload of money then they declared bankruptcy so they wouldn't have to pay the settlement then they denied the money was there first then they admitted it was there but they said they needed that money for other stuff that was more important than the rape kids and at least temporarily the court said yeah you know what that sounds really you guys seem like stand up raping batters that sounds reason yeah.
So all the lawsuits kept piling up and eventually it caused the milwaukee archdiocese to declare bankruptcy in 2011 and just to be perfectly clear that means they old shitloads of money to a whole bunch of different rape victims and they found a way to legally default on a bunch of that debt yes.
And then they claimed that religious liberty allowed them to refuse paying whatever reduced amount was left and that was actually working for them until last week a successful and what they were trying to argue me.
Sorry what they were formerly successful in arguing is insane ok so they move this money into a previously non-existent fun to care for the archdiocese cemetery and mausoleum then they declare bankruptcy and then they argued that money should be exempt from the bankruptcy bankruptcy settlement because they have the religious obligation to maintain those cemeteries and making them pay out that money that they were going to use for that would violate their religious freedom cemetery was the thing they thought of that was gonna be you know more important than the right so don't want something that I mean logically this would be basically the same as saying well I couldn't pay my taxes because God wanted me to buy a yacht and then it's protected by religious liberty because I you know God wanted it.
That's in its actually it's worse than that because I that example doesn't involve any fucking children being raped what is to see the basic category of insanity sorry this pile of money is for future rapey I'm to be responsible to delete that fun now what if we read more accounts i can't promise that one.
Again tomorrow odds are you know that in fact and in Jesus can be my co-pilot if my planes busted news tonight mega church pastor and guy who actually has the name i probably would have made up if i needed a sleazy televangelist in a novel Creflo Dollar decided that he didn't need his prisoners to buy my 65 million dollar Gulfstream jet after all once it came to us detention that people who weren't blinded by a silky smooth Jesus spiel were also paying attention.
So earlier this week Creflo Dollar ministries posted an online fundraiser asking the 200,000 of his followers each toss in 300 bucks Olivia ditches old hope the private jet and I upgrade the one that would make Jesus proud but after a swift social media backlash the page was either removed or raptured up to heaven what I know a guy in malaysia that can get a much better deal than the 60 million.
I like that idea now dollar who's prosperity gospel essentially says that the more money he has the more you love Jesus has a net worth of at least twenty seven million dollars all those two rolls-royce's a million-dollar mansion Atlanta and a spare two and a half million dollar mansion in New Jersey his lavish lifestyle and refusing to disclose how much of the ministry's money he actually pockets has led the widespread criticism some of it in the form of congressional investigations oh and he also hits his kids but apparently in a way that's legal enough for the county Solicitor General drop charges after he went through an anger management program so in a good way like all the suspended NFL players teamed up with Bernie Madoff great one big super criminal rights and became a Christian pastor.
Well quite naturally now craft flows jet-setting child whacking lifestyle a strong condemnation from both inside and outside the Christian community as his assertion that his name was never Michael Smith when the antithetical nature of his behavior and the teachings of christ i pointed out to him dollars as follows that if the jets sort of turns on one side it can probably a barrel roll through the eye of a needle if need be just kind of on the wings up and in Jesus saved by the bell news tonight the town of leesburg virginia held a public hearing last week to discuss the formation of a diversity commission that will among other things.
Attempt to foster a local government that better represents the various minority groups living in the area needless to say white people in Virginia with names ending in roman numerals weren't very happy about this.
And it was argued that the government shouldn't get involved in things like civil rights.
Was that really argue that was really argued town council member who Thomas s done I I was one of those white people who disagrees with it he claims the government had nothing to do with ending slavery and bigotry that was actually god it's so that is why we shouldn't this dude is elected official is arguing against civil rights on the ground that it would step on God's toes.
Yeah basically so here's the chain of events that led to a Roman numeral to his remarks speaking in favor of creating the Commission was president of the Loudoun County n-double-a-cp chapter.
Phillup thompson who suggested that slavery might be a good example to help understand why civil rights is exactly the sort of thing that governments should be protecting it says in response.
Mr Dunne to had this to say quote.
Shame on you mr. Thompson for throwing slavery into this discussion.
I don't believe that government freed our slaves.
It was the hand of god and quote he also pointed out that Jesus had pretty much an entire testament to work with but ever said anything about a diversity commission so all right in there either.
Ending slavery but lets you combine or email any argument look at the very fact that somebody is against diversity precludes them being right so like basically by the time the chairman has done saying and speaking against diversity is we just call it is holding a gavel it have the vote.
So mr. Thompson from the n-double-a-cp has since responded publicly with a quick reminder to mr. done that it was the 13th amendment.
Yes and slavery that's pretty official likes Roman numerals went on to say that while racial injustice is certainly less of a problem now creating a diversity Commission is probably a better strategy then God will eventually fix it just like slavery which exposes the craziest parts of this religious logic if you're going to claim that God's involved with ending slavery then he was also preventing the 13th amendment that whole time until it happens yes and he's got to be blade out too.
And his book works for both sides if abolitionists and slave owners were both using the box above all to justify their thing why would you think that's a good thing about the Bible it hard to believe anything good come out of that book and in Europe impact news tonight ken ham & shirt is flock this week that they wouldn't need Bruce will listen as brag tag-team actors that old Michael Bay a favor because if any asteroid ever thought about destroying the earth.
Jesus would fuck that space rock up.
Citing on the fact that there's this book him explained in a recent blog post that quote the Bible has already told us how things will end with judgment from God when Jesus Christ returns to the earth and quote but then why wouldn't Jesus blocked the asteroid that killed his pet Velociraptor way back when I would have made their there was hell.
Way back when adding yet another notch to his lifelong effort to provide examples of why religion is a bad thing even if you subtract out all the violence him is discouraging humankind from mitigating real threats in an effort to focus on pretend ones and granite being destroyed by an asteroid isn't at the top of the list of things that rational people should fear that would be religious people but it's still a very real risk and taping the minds of American voters into thinking that researching this risk is anti-christian will no doubt have real-world consequences ok forget the asteroid than being destroyed by a nuclear holocaust is at the top of that list.
Don't care what a pre fishin book says about the topic and want to avoid that and look into it and well write and he kind of address that - because while the article focused on the asteroid scenario hand was careful to point out that all.
Scientifically plausible scenarios about the end of life on Earth are fanciful ivory tower.
Evolution is mumbo-jumbo so don't worry about that majority of participants in American democracy all realistic disaster mitigation strategies are a waste of money and the work of the devil and quick before one of us makes a terrible ass asteroid bun will take a quick break and toss things over to the lovely loosened Olivia quick a man will divide the horse which markets it's a legitimate religious what right cooking can be fine.
I'm adam and this weekend mrs. Otto.
The biggest challenge of putting together the segment every week is that if you want to talk about misogyny.
You're gonna find yourself talking about violence against women which is hard to talk about for most people one way or the other but it's especially hard to talk about the context of a comedy show.
Because let's face it violence against women is never funny even when the violence comes in the form of duct taping a woman up and drawing penises on her which is definitely not funny unfortunately for the idiot that did it that didn't stop him from citing the hilarity of the whole thing is defense against accusations of battery according to police.
Zachary Shelton tried to excuse himself from kidnapping domestic abuse unlawful transaction with a minor and harassment with physical contact by explaining that it was all in good fun this story pisses me off on so many levels obviously and why the physical and psychological trauma the victim went through is at the top of the list I'm also pissed off on a.
Professional level that someone would use dick jokes for the powers of evil.
I guess all we can do is hope that Zack winds up in a prison full of inmates with a sense of humor similar to his own so for the record in case I didn't make this perfectly clear before I'm a hundred percent against of taping people and drawing dicks on them although I have to admit that if there was an exception and there's not but if there was it might just be kansas governor Sam Brownback to explain that denying women access to contraceptive care was all part of his recipe for economic growth in Kansas still angry over having a surname that arose due to his family's genetic propensity for spastic a swiping techniques.
Brownback explain that banning abortions after 20 weeks just made good economic sense damn it quote one of the big problems we have in this country is that we're not forming enough families and that is hurting our economic work.
End quote so yeah the big problem in America is the under population got it must be why Brownback is so pro-immigration huh.
And finally tonight I want to nominate Lebanese TV host Rima rocky as my ovarian badass of the week.
I wanted to talk about the story last week but we have the whole international women's day thing going in and I figured one way or the other correct it would still be a badass this week so what aren't on the honor well while conducting an interview on Lebanon's LGD TV she got fed up with her guest rambling like a drunk and uncle's family reunion confessional and politely asked him to hurry it along and get to the point at which point he completely lost his shit and acted like she just demanded of fucking testicle.
After telling her to shut up demanding that he be respected and telling her that it was beneath him to be interviewed by a woman he told her in no uncertain terms that he would talk about whatever the hell he wanted to talk about and he talked about it as slowly as he cared to.
And while she had to admit she couldn't stop him from babble and she could damn sure stop broadcasting it after trying fruitlessly to get him to shut up long enough for her to explain that the commercial break is a couple minutes away whether or not the person who tells him that has a penis she cut his mic and quite bad acidly into this segment by explaining that there was going to be mutual respect there wasn't going to be an interview go Rima so with a rare chance to in this segment on a high note until next time all have things back over to know when he thank you Lucinda and in mol ah mo drama news tonight in an effort to usurp the influence of his office after he dies the people's republic of china has ordered the Dalai Lama to reincarnate doing out that's right these secular government of the world's technically least religious nation has issued an official state do a declaration demanding that the Dalai Lama be reborn in accordance with Tibetan custom which is the Chinese.
Government's really nice way of saying kill yourself and come back like you promised or we will do it for you pretty much now quick bit of background here new Dalai Lama's are chosen or found if you believe in bullshit by a team of high Lamas in a ceremony that includes consulting an Oracle noting which direction the smoke of cremated ashes blows and meditating by a sacred lake so yes at times it's literally a farcical aquatic ceremony perspective Dalai Lama's are then asked to identify personal articles that were used in a previous life and if they pass that extraordinarily easy to randomly ace test people that knew the previous Dalai Lama's are then asked to determine if the candidate is a legit reincarnation based on no established criteria whatsoever so in summary a bunch of telescope it around three-year-old and make him their supreme spiritual leader how do you even parent a three-year-old reincarnation of an enlightened Buddha go to your room and sit quietly in the wait a minute.
Yes what's actually to talk about that stand right here and throw allowed to and from this minute.
It's really confusing Milton's in God so the reigning Dalai Lama who has held the office since he was able to shit on the big boy party isn't a complete fucking idiot and that's likely recognizes the absurdity of such a system also he undoubtedly realizes how easy it would be for government like China's to corrupt it which has led him to make repeated public.
Proclamations that if it does reincarnate it won't be anywhere near China Tibet or any other totalitarian state.
Honestly of open he reincarnated as a kid with Tourette's just to mess with that would be way over one to watch this has led to something of a shit-fit among Chinese officials that have just been waiting for a chance to install their own lama who can embrace their government and convince the superstitious Tibetans to just calm the fuck down and be impressed already and that led the last week's absurd and wonderful assertion by Chinese party officials you weigh Kuhn who is tasked with explaining the legislative process by which the government officially you certain the authority of the Dalai Lama to control his reincarnation and in Lord evader news tonight the government of Panama City Beach Florida has removed the tax-exempt status from a so-called Church after investigations revealed the property owner Marcus bishop was clearly moonlighting the venue as a nightclub in the popular spring break destination by day the building is purportedly a house of worship called the life center a spiritual community but they were also hosting rave parties seven nights a week under the name.
Amnesia the tabernacle apparently they're enormous banner and neon lit ATM installed out front where as inconspicuous as they hoped and the authorities caught on taking away sucks.
Tax privilege I'm not sure how this is any less useful than their daytime activity but at least they're paying taxes now yeah yeah that's a quick sample of some of the ecclesiastic activities the church offered raves anything but clothes paint parties wet and wild twerking parties and lingerie sleepovers the interior of the building is also apparently covered in pictures of stick figures getting their knobs polished so yes.
Unless you count oh god oh god oh god is a prayer probably not a church so that you put a nice little dent in the 85 billion dollars in annual lost revenue due to religious exception i pretty much problem for his mr. bishops been helping cause for a while now.
For example when he was sent a property tax bill for his 10,000 square foot house in 2004 he refused to pay claiming the parsonage exemption and looks like he was evading income taxes as well.
For example by having club amnesia claim their twenty dollar cover charge was actually a donation that went to sport church activities of course there's no record of what those activities might be because the law doesn't require religious nonprofits to have a transparent documentation of their finances or how they actually help society in a way that justifies their tax subsidy right and I mean as much as I'd like to accuse bishop of unfairly taking advantage of these exemptions the worst I can honestly accuse them of is just taking advantage of these exemptions no unfair about I'll see how this is any worse than what craft flow does regardless of whether his jet has a strip modules on the scale right.
Okay well if you want to accuse mr. Bishop of something else you'd be very similar to the people of the state of Florida home one last piece of background on him i didn't mention turns out Bishop recently pled guilty to misdemeanor assault charges in connection with charges of attempted sexual assault on a 16 year old girl.
Oh wow just to review that's tax evasion check benefit to society unclear check under age sex scandal check it sounds like a church to me.
It's definitely got grounds for an appeal there and the nuns of blazing news tonight according to the latest findings of the general social survey the dramatic rise of the nuns continues with nearly one quarter of Americans now choosing none as their religious preference.
The 2014 data which was released earlier this week suggests that the nuns now make up twenty three percent of americans up three percent since we started doing this show worth keeping in mind that one percent growth here means about two and a half million people that's a big fucking number.
Watch out it's pretty soon we're gonna start imposing nothin on ya just as you always feared of course every time we talk about the nuns I feel obligated to point out that we're not talking about atheists here these just people who don't identify with a particular religious label though the atheists are mixed in with that number but while we have the skating atheist oppose superstitious thinking in all forms even we have to admit that organized kinds are way more dangerous and if nothing major changes in the trends by the way the nuns will be the largest religious preference in the nation in another two years which would only put us about a century behind just about all the other developed nation in the world so we're getting there.
And in a bubble stubble moyle in trouble news tonight.
It's time for another good idea bad idea good idea.
Don't mutilate genitals bad idea all the other choices despite this seemingly obvious policy several of the world's religious traditions insist on ritual removal of certain pieces of certain genitals including but not limited to penis for skins and also something called the female Cal I Tory suco lighter eyes and never heard of the doesn't matter it's a bad situation.
Well okay but what if an old bearded man and a silly hat sucks on it afterwards because that seems like that would cancel out the creepiness at least to some extent right a little bit.
So these rituals are especially problematic when they are conducted in unsterile environments like prophetic rabbi maps Yeah right without real doctors around and many would argue their kind of crazy with doctors - regardless of the location honestly either way as a result of these barbaric practices hundreds of botched circumcisions happen every year with some of those requiring entire genital amputations.
This is depressingly prevalent among certain groups in south africa where tradition dictates that 18 year old males get their penis mutilated by not a doctor as a passage to manhood however there is a little bit of good news thanks to some one cutting edge research by a surgical team in cape town an unnamed South African man has recently been hailed as the first successful recipient of a corpse penis transplant to correct a circumcision related amputation Wow.
And just for the record the new penis comes complete with foreskin.
So what does that mean they have to do it again.
You know i thought i was reading this headline i thought that when CNN replace larry king with Piers Morgan that was the world's first successful penis transplant but I guess that doesn't count that maybe wasn't successful against will be rejected.
I'd feel a lot better if these doctors didn't need to exist at alliance.
Dr. dmitri Erasmus chief executive cape town's tygerberg hospital agrees with me on that according to her ass misquote I think people mustn't lose sight of the fact that this particular problem should actually not be addressed through such a procedure.
It should actually be prevented in the first instance and so we kind of better way.
But but the work they've done is fantastic nonetheless so we'd like to help them out with some names and slogans for their new business.
We need 30 seconds on the clock ideas for the botched circumcision Medical Center go all right all right we could call it the that's not Mayo Clinic home of the world's finest permit ologist without a hickory trickery doc.
Spare the rod spoil the child oil the oil or maybe peter sinai getting you back into the members-only Club in no time what if I but labia of Arabia suna versatile pune vs wellcare like a good top we've got your stitches mound covered oh maybe a Johns Hopkins you Bob that we swam it about the chub Club stubhub subway home of the five-dollar footlong.
He's aight i had to write me one too i was gonna go with taint Mary's where r load flow through a well so Joe node maybe FG emblem help.
Fgh mo will show your clip back on.
You probably have to tell us where it goes a little to the left the how about the sartorial one fettering answer Research Center get it all in there the penis mightier than the sword think again what about uh six million dollar man hood we can rebuild better longer Laster we have the technology and comforting i guess by the fact that medical technology has taken us one step closer to an automated go go hard on inspector gadget penis will close the headlines for the night he thanks as always should we come back Lucinda will join us and learning that at this point the Bible is clearly just fucking with us.
As you know from last week's episode he loosened and I have pledged to run a clean podcast award campaign against our esteemed puppy kicking sex slave owning child genital steaming opponents in the 10th annual people's choice podcast awards unfortunately not everyone involved was willing to make that same promise.
Take a quick listen to what David from the my book of mormon podcast has to say hello everyone this is david michael from the award-winning my book of mormon podcast.
It's come to my attention that some of you may still be torn on which show to vote for in the 2015 podcast awards religion inspiration category so i decided to create this public service announcement to help clear up any confusion so first ask yourself would you rather vote for a show that a brings you the world famous book of mormon drinking game which gives you an ironclad excuse to guzzle down an average of more than six beers per episode or be a show whose only game is top 10 list about pedophiles racist homophobe six cetera.
If you chose option a than a vote for the my book of mormon podcast might be for you next ask yourself if you'd rather listen to a show whose host has a voice which has been described sultry seductive which has been known to cause spontaneous orgasms or be a show with the voices of Mickey Mouse's older brother and his stoner friend if you chose option a.
Then a vote for the my book of mormon podcast might be for you and lastly if you prefer to vote for a show that a wins Awards just by putting out great content or be a show that has to pull out all the stops all the gimmicks and beg and plead for your vote to finally just win that one.
If you chose option a and once again I vote for the my book of and to know he's and Lucinda if you're wondering what it's like to be the host of an award-winning show like mine I'm afraid I have to be honest with you it's fucking awesome so I wish you good luck because you're gonna need it and lastly before i go to help clear up any confusion on who to vote for and the news and politics category let me make that very easy for you vote for cognitive dissonance.
If you don't you're just an asshole.
Happy going everyone goodbye now i'm not sure if I'm Mickey Mouse's older brother or the stoner friend but for the record Ethan I have volunteered to be tested for voice enhancing steroids as a condition of our eligibility for this award despite repeated requests David still refuses to mail us a jar of his pee because when the only business that possibly password anyway.
Well I'm sure that by the sixth beer his show seems very attractive to everybody's you know who else wants you to drink at least experienced date rapist that is not saying he wanted also worth pointing out that the award David is so stoked about his podcast winning is called the Brody award which is so prestigious that when you look it up online google assumes you're looking for the good sportsmanship award for women's curling it serious i did I didn't make that up when you google Brody award it gives you the good sportsmanship for women's curling so either his podcast one that or at one something that Google considers to be even less significant did you mean the less manly version of the lady byng trophy and you'd be forced to say no accident it meant so far less significant than that was mistaken for that by google that we're all very proud of you though David but he's not the only one who's cast aside cordiality in favor of a cutthroat campaign.
Here's what Seth Andrews host of the thinking atheist podcast is telling the world would you interest your children's future in the third rate for taste podcasts what will the future look like.
If he were to continue on his march of destruction on the endured.
Get anything good come of a podcast where the host no illusions can't even afford a haircut.
I deplore you dear voters boycott this scathing atheist podcast and under no.
Circumstances cast your vote for them.
At podcast awards . com please someone.
Think of the children more thinking less skating this political an attack and was written . into those percentages of the thinking atheist but for the thinking anything is to put comes to words don't come obviously there's a lot to unpack there but i'd like to answer a few of the allegations levelled against myself and no itself.
First of all it's not that Noah can't afford a haircut and said he chooses to afford drugs like crystal meth and standard we have sadly very high school choice on his band as to heat so called march of destruction I think it's clear to anyone paying attention that he's never going to get enough of Energon cubes to complete his master plan.
So I don't even know why Seth would bring it on every go on thinking that but we'd like to draw your attention to what you might have thought was a simple error in word choice.
I didn't lure you into your voters I'm sorry Seth what was that what you say I didn't lure you into your voters.
I'd applaud you i deployed you and imploring you and if you would you do the news sure it's possible that he meant to say implore you.
Hell it's possible that a reeks of the herd mentality podcast brought her a script that Seth graciously agreed to record at the last second during a mad dash australian tour West jet-lagged and hungover but it's also possible that it was a freudian slip and Seth is accidentally admitting that he hates you and you really want to vote for somebody that hates you we have the scathing atheists don't hate you.
Which is only one of the many reasons you should vote for us every day at podcast awards . com.
And now back to your regularly scheduled dick jokes too difficult.
I get a ticket to become addicted to the yeah I thought about a lot of you all oh boy well all I look just as similar enough from the first two Gospels to provide a completely irreconcilable account of Jesus's life.
Yeah just similar enough to the first two Gospels to maximize the repetitive tedium but if you just can't get enough of Jesus misidentifying the properties of a mustard seed or eating dinner with a week's worth a shit on his hands this is the gospel for you as are the other three because they're all exact same pretty much the story except again irreconcilably different and joining us once more to try to squeeze yet more dick jokes out of the material we've already been through twice and still have to go through once again as my lovely wife listen to listen to thanks for not divorcing me over this segment I don't worry it takes at least at.
Thirty-three percent more Gospels and that's to get my lawyer involved getting scary so before we go any further down that road a thought.
Let's dive right into the gospel of Anakin's kid.
So first of all we learned right away that Luke is a much better rather than these other folks for a minute it's almost like you're reading a book that was put together intentionally yes but can only for a minute Yeah right right because after that it's just clear that whatever person wrote the opening verse in a radically different stopping every other part of the book was a better writer yeah exactly so we start off with some John the Baptist origin story and I was kind of nice because like he was I felt like he was the boba fett of the first two Gospels and it's nice to get a little more flash back with him.
Kind of like that but instead of an episodic storyline imagine if George Lucas had three of his friends all right the same book and they released the mall is equal to each other yeah they're approximately is good at writing as George Lucas so anyway John the Baptist's dad goes in the offer some incense and he prays that is barren wife can have a kid we've seen this before so Gabriel appears to me says man do I have a kid for you this kid is going to be fucking awesome not weird at all but dad makes the mistake of saying now are you are you sure about that so Gabriel strike some new for like nine months not reasonable lesson.
Right right and then gave shoots over to warn marry that God will be spritzing a little man juice on her in the near future so for warning Gabriel has the worst job ever hear he's employed by an invisible date rapist wants him to go to admit what happened and get retroactive consent from this woman right.
So game starts trying to explain what happened Mary gets all confused I'm a virgin so i have no idea what you're talking about man.
Google says listen lady I hate to burst your bubble but I was right there watching when you hear the way you know what you know what that works yeah you just keep telling everyone you're a virgin.
I am a virgin exactly yeah yeah are you saying that weird like that i'm not saying it like you're a virgin then Mary goes the John's pregnant moms house and they squeal and praise the Lord and then John the Baptist is circumcised and at that point suddenly his dad becomes unmute and all the neighbors are amazed and excited and then he starts praising God and about nine paragraphs into that they're not as excited anymore then we liked you better mute can really and in chapter 2 we get the big census by Caesar.
So Mary and Joseph head over to Bethlehem to scratch their initials into a rock or whatever right hand the whole time josephs taking shit from everyone is super awkward oh hey there Joe.
You gonna introduce us to your virginal field say in no way as a visibly glowing baby shape inside her belly at this exact moment effective meetings that your virginal ya say.
And then of course Jesus's birth has two out awesome John's so we get that story again only this time around the angel of the Lord shows up with a hundred backup singers.
That's how they describe him and goes to the farmers that are sleeping in their fields to go praised the little hymen-buster quick while they still can then they take him to the temple and kill some birds just the way God like sits there you and conspicuously absent from Luke's account of the birth by the way as the whole like Herod trying to kill them.
Fleeing to Egypt all that shit and gone not even there all right all right we go straight from birth penis alteration and dub sacrificing to him being 12 years old and having a combination home alone searching for Bobby Fischer moment but it's not ridiculous where can we get this crazy huge inconsistency where John the Baptist gets thrown in jail before Jesus gets bad size so according to Luke is just John ha ha hey ya know about eating locusts are wearing the hair shirt now.
Baptizing the son of god but we do learn that John was a fiscal moderate when it came to tax policy it's now it's like the c-span version of a fascinating.
Yeah and speaking of internal inconsistency sees then we get a genealogy of Jesus that conflicts with the one of Matthew on almost every single name.
Pretty much yeah I hell they don't even have the same number of generations.
Yes in my heart road and then a sane appears to give Jesus is three riddles or whatever and he goes on to tell all the people in his hometown that he's God for which they run him out of town and try to throw him off a cliff.
However he's able to like road runner himself out of it we were anti gravity sign and he gets away.
It wasn't entirely clear on what's going on there you effort for some reason I guess demon wrastlin isn't as impressive when it's done by somebody a you you know you never sit right there going yeah well yank those demons out of that there but we will you don't want Jesus to do to piss his bed until I was like thirteen I mean we know this then we get the same leopard healing fish catching shit we've gotten both of the last to accept Luke Jesus is less of a dick about it then you know a little bit higher so John the Baptist hears about this stuff and he says his disciples asked Jesus says feast of Messiah and Jesus is like you see me curious fucking lappers right when we don't want to what I be my doing here.
All right then Jesus goes to eat at some dudes house and some chick starts working his feet like she was trying to suck stardom.
So he forgives her since so yeah me too and in Luke's Gospel Jesus and His apostles have groupies apparently this is the i believe the first time Mary Magdalene even gets a mention and apparently her and several other women quote provide for them out of their resources and quote so just take that however you.
Wanna know I agree yeah I uh huh and then it's on to rebuking when parables and even pigs once again I just can't get enough of this team in the big story everyone.
No i said we're gonna shell legion of demons possessing this dude.
Jesus is about to kill the demons but then one of the demon says hey Jesus do you mind if we become a herd of your mind he said he just does it.
Yeah yeah let's hear it happens with 2,000 pig demon first thing that was the worst case scenario they all commit suicide so we can watch your favorite part wait is that the best case it doesn't matter how thick starting now.
Now then we get the story of the Good Samaritan and I guess back in Jesus's day all you needed to do to qualify as a good was not leave a nekkid beaten half-dead person on the side of the road not just qualify as good but like legendarily yeah yeah so Jesus is much more of a ladies man and this one too as we learn when he goes to Martha's house and her sister gets on her knees in front of Jesus and stays there all night long at Martha gets kinda mad about it G is getting all the shit ready for you over here making food make my lazy slut of a sister help out.
Jesus says well she's blowing me right now so that it happens if anything you should have been helping her this whole being on call if I make a ball on this is it just me or is Jesus the world's shittiest houseguest write constantly insult his host washes hands hugs up all the nard cream.
Come on I keep it today to somebody that invited him to dinner to say all right put down the goat and get the fuck out of here you pretentious douche I wish someone would ya and so anyway blah blah blah God slave we deserve a like beating blah blah blah.
Come not to bring peace but to make every to get pissed at each other blah blah blah and don't get all rich and happy don't like that.
However you like that show up any minute and we're all supposed to look poor and pissed off.
His plan and for some reason and Luke waiting for Jesus to finish a parable is like waiting for the dude to finish a sentence and then again chapter 13 he starts telling a story about there's a farmer and he's got a fig tree and it won't bloom so he wants to cut it down but a servant stops and he says let me rub some bullshit around it and I am dying for that to be an analogy of how to make good Christians rub more bullshit around but then some crippled lady shows up and he goes all squirrel right in the middle of never get back to it then we get one of a the Pharisee guys very clearly trying to entrap Jesus and catch them violating the Sabbath on.
I guess a red hidden recording devices yet right hey Jesus of Nazareth.
Why don't you Jesus of Nazareth expend several jewels of work healing this guy with the awkwardly large face corner on this fine saturday afternoon well before sundown.
Doesn't matter it and then we get the bit with Lazarus and the rich man.
So that we had we had heard this one yet so Lazarus is some bomb living outside a rich dude's house with dogs licking the pass out of this festering sores being so he goes to have and the rich person who wouldn't feed his dogs anything but bump US Coast out.
And while he's burning in a lease in stock hey guys it's just I could go back to earth for a minute warned everybody about this house stuff and God says fuck off by already did Moses is not doing this shit again right at the rich guy says but the Moses thing I feel like it was kind of a I feel like you don't ask somebody you know rise from the dead it will really get your point across a lot better and God says absolutely not that's a stupid nobody's gonna get involved in religion based on people rising from the dead that's crazy talk right with a bull's-eye on his way to brush off this incredibly reasonable request only if the stakes of the game are burning hell vs eternity in heaven you the least you could do is make sure everyone knows they're playing right and what to expect also there was a lot more tacit approval of a slavery and look at Matthew Mark like in chapter 17 jesus is trying to make a point he basically says that would be stupider than letting your slave eat before they cooked your dinner or thinking them for doing it yeah yes that's all meant to remind us that as God slaves he doesn't know what shit bitches hey Christian is not sure if you guys are still reading but if you are maybe check out Luke 18.
Jesus says right here that it's better to be a humble sinner than a self-righteous Bible having asshole true story right there.
Yep hey mentions that several times in fact he mentions everything several times and then in chapter 19 we get the parable about the slaves that are each given a couple of box and one invested wisely gives his master back ten times the money and other give him five times the money and the other one just buried the money and dug it up later in a and apparently it was just a risk-free interest rate in ancient Israel that all slaves as example basket is gonna get me get me some points on that Washington's of the market or something now what we've heard this one before by bringing up now because in Luke it ends a little different with jesus clearly endorsing killing the people that don't like you lee stone this parable where the King here clearly represents God and it closes with the king st. quote but as for those enemies of mine who did not want me to be you king over them bring them here and slaughter them in my presence and quote.
Luke 19:27 that's Jesus talking and and by the way that's the end of the parable.
No yes something else happened after that Jesus packs up his shit heads to Jerusalem and this is by the way where he's supposed to steal a donkey but he steals a horse instead I even just imagine like you know the guys over at Ken hams thing are you and that may oh well maybe he stole both and he's hopping back and forth between audio style on way in or mean it will record i would on each it is like riding with the sharks yeah actually buy copy i think he flew into Jerusalem on a turducken.
I want to thank you ok that's not going to come and check the different translations then we find out a couple more things that Matthew and Mark forgot to mention apparently first of all kind of a big deal Judas was possessed by Satan right before i became the biggest traitor in history and mentioned until now.
Cancellation how Luke verified that but i have no idea what a big deal this and.
When they're about to arrest Jesus and one of the disciples cut some dudes ear off to stop that happening.
Jesus magically heels the dudes here on the spot realize an entire fucking ear but only one of the biographers has that detailed is that you're really growing everyone wanted to have the ear with no one else remember everything that was highlight that part.
Yeah I also enjoy being given a specific example of the taunting Jesus cut from the guards to arrest him since they blindfolded him started hitting him with sticks and then saying prophesy now prophecy who hit you that time Messiah we're gonna go ahead.
Funniest thing anyone's said in the Bible I was a little so bad and then we get to this enough feeling portion yeah that's right there.
Yeah but now this time around Pontius Pilate is less of an evil bastard and more of like a impotent whim but he seems like dead set against crucifying Jesus at first but then he does it anyway cause he can't handle all the yelling.
Yeah well it actually says no I'm not executing this guy I've seen no evidence that would just give a crap.
Yeah right no now you think I feel like I'm gonna get blamed for this if we cross I don't know maybe I'm just be behind a good point good point and now i'm up now I do you think about it that way so they crucify him again Joey by his corpse for what he swears for moral reasons again they stick them in a dome again.
Then Jesus rises but this time he keeps popping in and out of crowds like a ghostly Waldo right and then he rises to heaven and everybody goes the temple and praise happily ever after no it's it's really interesting to kind of watch the post crucifixion part of this narrative develop within the Gospels and we start with mark where jesus never appears reappears at all or at least they don't feel that's worth mentioning.
All you get is the empty tomb then in Matthew there's like a little hint of the Risen Jesus now in Luke he's easy no fish with no meat hanging and now they're walking two different talents like it's like listening to a friend on ever more elaborate version of the car accident he was in and out like a child or four buses and I went to the yeah uh-huh.
Sure you did I'm kind of pissed off those three Gospels in and nobody stopped their fingers into Jesus's crucifixion was right to tell she did hear combined stop.
All right well as an extra holes and as much is something like it's gonna happen eventually and I'm looking forward to a good like stigmata finger band just as much as the next guy but i am still happy to go a couple Bible this weeks before we get there so Lucinda yeah thanks as always sure hope the next book retells the exact same story without changing anything.
When I can't get enough of this country or the parenting plan again and fucking fasting a final minutes it'll be the same it's time for the part of the show that comes next to listener feedback this is the part of the show that really ties the room together does it not.
Our first message comes from chris who sent us an email about correct pluralization with a subject line that includes the phrase so many clitorises Chris writes quote i'm sure you guys know this and we're just too polite to correct a guest but clitter I is not the.
Historically correct plural of clitoris clitoris a third declension feminine noun is made plural as clatter reidy's in Latin as a Greek loanword clitoris is coincidentally declined in the third declension giving a Latin plural very much like the Greek glittery tease I think the more common word for Clinton Latin anyway is krista in which is also the brownie bit on top of a Centurion Zelman ahead and quote at last it was so awesome the biblical presenter that a could and he would send that email and I never realized until just now how sexy award declension really yeah that would be so much more fun at the lesson plans were more oral sex based blow home Romans and hey you soon damn it we also got an email from our undercover agent in the Muslim world who heard us talking about the costco employees suing after his refusal to touch port get them removed from the work handling job in episode 107 and I wanted to let us know how they handle that shit in Indonesia and maybe with their way to handle it literally this is a real problem quote in jakarta what few grocery stores did sell port kept Christian employees in the bullpen to try out when some non believer bought pork or pork by-products ended when said Christians are unable the women working the register and they were always women would put on multiple pairs of gloves to handle the devil meet before excusing themselves after the transaction.
Presumably to run off and private and savor the sweet smoky smell of a sin.
The end quote so yeah about taking religious people seriously I think.
Oh yeah we also got a message from at Amanda glow on Twitter who wanted us to upgrade Lucinda's warning at the beginning of the show quote Christ guys your podcasts really need some notification that my headphones aren't properly plugged it is really important I'm sorry if we accidentally crowdsource that one for you and finally we got more than a dozen emails Facebook messages tweets etc asking us how soon we were going to have a lie on to review do you believe the new film by the makers of God's not dead which debuts the day after this episode and the answer is as soon as humanly possible again we're seeing the Premier Li has assured us that he purchased advance tickets more than a week ago so he's definitely seeing it too so barring an unforeseen able natural disaster that review will be featured on next week's show.
No doubt about Heath and I of course will be catching it on opening night with the mullet crowd here in lovely Valdosta Georgia and knowing that several of you have also wished us good luck in a safe return we appreciate that and we want to assure you that we are taking every possible precaution to avoid a righteous lynching which brings us to our top 10 safety tips for atheists attending opening night of do you believe in the south like we are all right numbers that make damn sure your headphones are properly plugged in important.
I mean number nine if you're gay make sure you wear a confederate flag over it so nobody can tell it up for a trip it right over the day you can tell which parts you're supposed to laugh at as all the other parts will be fun first that we learned the one I do not refer to other audience members as your judeo-christian friends loudly and repeated he had no catch a hunting number six.
If anyone asks what church you go to just say anything with tabernacle or he'll that'll satisfy that will shut up Michael to it.
Number five leave your ironic hipster turban at home that it's not as funny as if I have to number four they really are going to say grace over their popcorn be ready to not laugh prepared to take that seriously three do not picture Eli bosnic taking over for the lead actor do not.
You also don't admit you know anyone named Eli bosnia her ten the name doesn't even ring a bell number to know your rights they can't kick you out just for laughing at inappropriate parts we found that helped rise very cannot do it legally and number one don't take that call from Planned Parenthood and if you do don't sound excited.
And if you sound excited don't also make dinner reservations on the same thing all over you do don't bring the coat hanger we call it really Billy on the end there.
Absolutely i have a name for it and that's all if you back to get if you want more keep sending us those emails tweets and facebook messages you'll find all the contact info on the contact page and skating atheist ,.
Before we burn the bridge behind us tonight I wanted to beg you to vote for us again I promise this is the last time I'll and an episode of this show asking you to vote for us in the podcast words for at least another 48 weeks but we're in a crunch now so if you haven't taken the time to vote for us yet please go to podcast awards , and cast your vote right away and if you have voted for us please do so again since you can vote up to once a day through tuesday the 24th at nine p.m. eastern.
And remember they will email you a verification but you have to click on the link in the verification email or your vote won't count.
Anyway that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight but way back in ten thousand 22 minutes with more if you can't wait that long be on the lookout for a new episode of our sister podcast the skeptic rats debuting at 8am Eastern every monday morning.
And don't forget to pick up a little bonus nuggets cathy is more to that you can find by liking our Facebook page and following us on Twitter obvious i need to thank you once again for being Mickey Mouse's older brother to my stoner friend i also want to thank the senator for suffering through both the Bible and my insane work schedule for the sake of this show.
I want to thank david michael from my book of mormon for hopping on board with our skit despite me reaching out to him at the last second awesome guy i wish them all the luck in all the non podcast award related parts of his life.
Also understand a huge thanks to Seth Andrews of the thinking atheist podcast for being a part of the show tonight as well very awesome of them to do it despite being insanely busy touring australia at the exact time I asked him for the sound clip if by some strange oversight you haven't checked out his podcast yet.
Of course we'll have links for the show notes for this episode and if you'd like to see him live along with a RonRon matt dillahunty and you happen to be near Melbourne or perth i believe there are still a few tickets remaining for the unholy trinity tour down under will have more information about those stops on the show notes as well but most of all of course I need to thank this week's most good as people James Robert orme Tim mark bodog Neil Jeffrey Joe Elsa other Tim and Randall James Robert ormond Tim were so sharp they make an exacto knife look like a wiffle ball bat mark Bowe Doug and Neil horse oh well endowed they make a wiffle ball bat look like an exacto knife.
Jeffrey Joe Elsa and other timber so bright they have been named honorary globular clusters and Randall whose cock is so massive that it took me several weeks to complement it as I've been searching for the other end of it this whole time together this baker's dozen of sugar-coated deep-fried badasses have helped us put a down payment on the years of therapy will need to overcome the psychological torment of suffering through this I'm ask Jesus book will simultaneously getting the ever closer to being able to afford a if you'd like to contribute to our welcome to relatively sane fun you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com / skating atheist or you can make a one-time donation by clicking the donate button on the right side of our homepage at skating 80s calm and if you'd like to help but the damn ball just won't land on red you can also help us start by leaving us a five star review on iTunes stitcher or your podcast rating vehicle of choice if you have questions comments or death threats to find all the contact info on the contact page and skating atheist calm all the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes I did have my permission.


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