SNL BASHING Clintons - Clips from the 90s (Norm McDonald)

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Here we see the president and the first bitch.
Hey slow down you bitch let me catch up Hillary Clinton invited Newt Gingrich and his mother to the White House apparently she's hoping they'll get caught in the crossfire here we see President Clinton looking for something anything to hug besides his wife in whitewater news federal regulators quizzed Hillary Clinton at the White House this week and gave her a perfect score on the lying section she's a dirty liar.
Our top story tonight as new questions arise about Hillary Clinton's role in whitewater the President appears to be distancing himself from the first lady earlier today and his weekly radio address the president insisted hey I sleep with hundreds of girls I can't vouch for all of them you know meanwhile the war of words between President Clinton New York Times Colonist william safire continue to heat up.
It all began when sapphire called the first lady a quote congenital liar Clinton responded by saying sapphire quote deserves a pop in the nose sapphire replied by offering to fight Bill Clinton quote anytime anyplace the president answered quote how about right now then hopped a plane to England and lit up a big fat joints is the first lady a compulsive liar though it's beginning to look that way in an interview on last night's 2020 intended to promote her new book it takes a village.
Mrs. Clinton folded under tough questioning by barbara walters and admitted that in fact it does not take a village and furthermore that she was aware that it does not take a village when she wrote the damn book how my dad looks funny thanks there buddy for years Hillary Rodham Clinton has told people that she was named for the first man to climb Mount Everest Sir Edmund Hillary but as esquire magazine recently pointed out sir edmund did not climb Mount Everest until nineteen fifty-three six years after hillary was born.
However the first lady does have a good explanation for this discrepancy she loves to lie.
More questions about Hillary Rodham Clinton's truthfulness an interview this week the first lady claimed that she won the women's 100-meter dash at the 1956 olympics and that she had an IQ of quote over 700 when it was pointed out to her that these were not a especially good lies.
This is Clinton responded i know i have a problem and then added I invented the formula for seven up our top story tonight astronaut Shannon lucid back on earth after a record six months in space was welcomed home Tuesday with a phone call from President Clinton said the president quote this is just the beginning.
One day we'll be able to send an American into space indefinitely and I hope it's a woman in the final days of the presidential campaign bob dole has 19 million dollars left to spend while President Clinton has more than 32 million no plans to use his 19 million dollars for TV ads radio spots and mass mailings while a confident President Clinton has allotted all of his 132 million dollars to a crooked Arkansas land scheme.
No more indictments are likely in the Whitewater investigation President Clinton is still refusing to say whether he will pardon former whitewater associates gym and Susan mcdougal but when asked if he would part in First Lady Hillary Clinton the president was crystal-clear quote she does the crime she does the time the announcement of the verdict came toward the end of President Clinton's annual state of the union address and many observers completely overshadow the event even the president was distracted during his speech waiting to hear exactly how much it costs to kill your wife at the White House this week President Clinton officially came out against same-sex marriages.
What's more the president said he is not too crazy about opposite-sex marriages here.
Well Chelsea Clinton turn 16 a few weeks ago and apparently her father has been teaching her to drive early reports say that under the president's tutelage the first daughter has become exceptionally good at cruising for chicks this week in a speech honoring dr. Martin Luther King jr. President Clinton said that if dr. King were alive today he would have supported the deployment of US troops to Bosnia later when asked how he could use the late civil rights leaders name in such a self-serving manner Clinton hopped a plane to England and lit up a big fat joint.
Meanwhile President Clinton is hard at work on Tuesday state of the union address in which will focus on crime education and the economy at the request of the first lady part of the president's speech will be huge lies last week the president vetoed a Republican bill to balance the budget and he used a pin that belong to former President Lyndon Johnson Clinton has also been working his way through john f kennedy's vast supply of condoms frightening moment this week for First Lady Hillary Clinton hurt plane enroute to the former Soviet Union was forced to make an emergency landing when it was discovered that a frayed wire in the engine was causing serious malfunction the president was said to be furious and demanded an immediate investigation of what went wrong with operation frayed wire.
Josh Hilary looks pretty in this photo here at ng never realized there's such a looker too i sear here in this is picture.
President Clinton was in Austin Texas last Monday the day of the Million Man March the president said in the speech I'm here to speak to you today because right now in washington DC there's like a million black guys.
More oj simpson news on friday the juice officially endorsed Bill Clinton for president adding adding quote I'd like to help him any way I can to reach the president replied well there is one thing.
This weekend veteran news anchorman david brinkley apologize to Bill Clinton for an election night commentary in which he called the president quote boring and uncreated admitted brinkley there was certainly nothing on creative about the way you moved Vince Foster's body.
President of murder you knothead speaking in australia this week about the problems of being America's First Lady Hillary Clinton joke quote perhaps i'll walk around with a bag over my head when I come out into public and have no opinions and never express them publicly or privately to which the president replied yes yes oh god yes a Connecticut hotel where Bill Clinton spent the night has donated to a charity auction a bagel the President ordered from room service but never ate the potential bidders should be advised while the president never actually ate the day but bagel he did have quote relations with it.
Sounds delicious.
Our top story tonight with growing indications the First Lady Hillary Clinton may be indicted for her role in whitewater President Clinton is reportedly starting to prepare for that possibility plans so far include renting a halt hiring a band and making a giant bathtub with margaritas this week President Clinton made history when he nominated Madeleine Albright the first female Secretary of State responding to critics who say that she is not the best choice the president insisted quote she looks a lot better after a couple of drinks.
Top story tonight this monday the Supreme Court will begin hearing arguments over whether paula jones ahead sexual harassment suit against President Clinton may proceed.
Jones who claims that while governor of arkansas clinton exposed himself to her in a hotel room says that she can accurately and precisely described the president's genitalia but White House spokesman scott quote any woman who's working the state of Arkansas for the last 20 years could do that just after hours just hours after works both ways just hours after President Clinton again pledged to clean up the Democratic Party's fundraising operation the white house announced he will attend a million-dollar fundraiser next week however spokesman mike mccurry stress that at this event quote donations from Indonesia or other foreign countries will not be accepted unless they are left in a brown paper bag under the sink in the men's room unquote top story tonight in a startling reversal cannastar announced yesterday that he would not resign this whitewater special prosecutor and that now he intends to stay on until the investigation is completed this new development apparently did not trouble a confident President Clinton who still plans to resume making conjugal visits to Susan mcdougal yesterday President Clinton under-22 our operation to repair damage to his knee suffered a fall while visiting in Florida at the home of professional golfer greg norman many were surprised to hear that the two are on friendly terms since greg norman had once threatened that if he ever caught Clinton with his wife again he smashes kneecap with a 5-iron the president spent last night at Bethesda Naval Hospital in a private room which he shared with three Chinese businessmen who came up with the required two hundred thousand dollars President Clinton this week decline and offered by Republicans to form a bipartisan Commission to scale back annual increases in Social Security asked why he rejected the proposal the president said quote personally i like the idea of a bipartisan Commission however the two Chinese guys who gave me a million dollars they didn't go for it in light night this week the White House asked Congress to authorize 175 billion dollars in funds for highway construction mass transit and other transportation projects the president plan has significant support in Congress but many Washington insiders are wondering how exactly this benefits China.
Story tonight late this week President Clinton russian president boris yeltsin met in Helsinki to discuss the sensitive topic of NATO expansion for his part Yeltsin stood firm saying he must do what is right for Russia while Clinton also stood firm say he must do what is right for China following this price withdrawal of his nominee Anthony lake President Clinton's chosen acting CIA director George Tenet to head up the agency now all he needs the approval of the House the Senate and this Chinese guy in a radio interview this week first lady hillary clinton scoffed at conspiracy nuts as she called them obsessed with whitewater and compared them to cult figures or cult groups rather fascinated by UFOs and the hale-bopp comet although she did concede one point of similarity between white water in heaven's gate 39 castrated dead people.
Secretary of State Madeleine Albright is an asset she will represent the United States this summer at ceremonies marking the transfer of British on kong to chinese rule President Clinton also plans to attend the event but he will be representing China so tonight in court jacket is made public this week Independent Counsel cannastar told a federal judge that Hillary Clinton is now a quote central figure in the Whitewater criminal pro reacting to the news President Clinton called the investigation a partisan witch hunt valley quote if the first lady is somehow convicted and has to go to jail I will do everything in my power to wait two weeks to start dating meanwhile FBI director louis freeh said this week that attorney General Janet Reno might have a conflict of interest in her investigation of democratic fundraising free also pointed out that between her x and y chromosome top story tonight court-martial proceedings are set to begin Tuesday against air force left-tenant kelly flynn the nation's first female b-52 pilot plant is accused of conducting an adulterous affair with a married man as well as having a brief fling with a second airmen and then lying about it an Air Force prosecutor called her quote a sexual predator while her commanding officer called her a quote lying sex addict.
Meanwhile President Clinton called her well the White House is an empty nest this week following Chelsea Clinton's departure to begin studies at Stanford University a wistful President Clinton says that while it's difficult to see his daughter grow up at least now she'll feel less guilty about hitting on her friend.
Our top story tonight yesterday just yesterday and a letter to Congress attorney General Janet Reno absolved President Clinton of almost all charges of campaign finance reform according to reno there is no evidence he misused his office to raise money improperly allowed contributors to stay overnight at the White House or sock contribution in exchange for political favors you know it's hard for me to believe this but for Janet Reno to send this letter I guess it must be true.
The president sleeping with her too it's done comprehension but tonight done President Clinton have a bent penis well according to doctor examine him last week the president's genitals are quote completely one hundred percent normal.
It should be noted however the doctor to examine also has a bent penis I'm a color is finding a little while this controversy raged the President himself without a state trip to South America where he met with various leaders and repeatedly stressed his strong ties to the region finally asked to elaborate on these ties plan replied are you kidding me my my brother roger was a huge coke dealer.
As its last stop on the trip the president met in one is areas you thursday with Argentinian president carlos menem during a meeting Clinton assmann em to continue with economic reform and protect democratic freedom in insurance asked Linton to sean is bent penis.
Ok.
Top story tonight last night exports caster Marv Albert and fiance Heather Parker appeared on 2020 with Barbara Walters and what Albert admitted was an uphill battle to have a really hot threeway.
Earlier today following two weeks of provocation by Saddam Hussein over you and red weapons inspection President Clinton has issued is clearest warning yet to the Iraqi leader the unusually Frank strongly worded letter reads as follows quote should your government persist in floating international law I will have no choice but to order military action which will be both Swift and devastating of course when the time for military action comes i may simply panic fleet England and smoke dope until the whole things over but then again I may not on Capitol Hill this week 17 Republican congressman formally ask the house judiciary committee whether there is sufficient evidence to begin impeachment proceedings against President Clinton in response the president said quote hey you know who would have the answer to that question Vince Foster.
With the release of over 100 hours of videotape of President Clinton campaign fund raisers the pressure continues to mount an attorney General Janet Reno Damon independent counsel to investigate the president in addition some senators are said to be furious that instead of watching the video tapes Reno has been taping over them with episodes of Xena Warrior Princess.
Top story tonight as the war of words between the u.s. and Iraq continues to heat up.
President Clinton today sent his latest blunt message to Saddam Hussein quote as our two nations appear headed toward military conflict let history record that all this could have been avoided with a simple fifty-thousand-dollar contribution to the Democratic National Committee the blood is on your hands sorry tonight this week the Clinton White House angrily denied charges that burial plots in arlington national cemetery were being handed out as political favors.
Although presidential spokesman mike mccurry did acknowledge that is not easy to explain the Tomb of the Unknown asian contributor.
This weekend angry President Clinton demanded the Congress stop dragging its feet on something he has long championed a medical bill of rights for u.s. citizens in all there are 10 items in the Presidents Bill of Rights running from number one a rich satisfying sex life is the foundation of good health to number 10 a straight penis is not a privilege it is a right First Lady Hillary Clinton has been out of the country this week visiting the remote region of Siberia said the president quote when the cat's away the mice album I kid in the mouth screws plenty of women even in the category tonight this week attorney General Janet Reno announced she will not name an independent counsel to investigate campaign fundraising by the president at a press conference.
She said quote the decision was mine it was based on the facts on the law not pressure not politics not any other factors she was then let away at gunpoint by the first lady and nine Chinese guys.
Meanwhile President Clinton was in akron ohio this week presenting a town meeting about race relations in America the president chose a crown as the site of the meeting partly because it is the home of the coming together project an organized effort to end racism and partly because it is the home of Suzanne rosenberg an old classmate from Oxford the president still has sex with Tom Snyder this week after Tony Danza said he thought the recent open display of affection by lesbian couple Ellen DeGeneres and and hash in front of President Clinton was extremely disrespectful i'm hearing the comment President Clinton responded someone should tell tony danza to shut the hell up.
Sorry giant this week following revelations that he lied about his military service the body of former diplomat and democratic contributor larry lawrence was removed from Arlington Cemetery commenting on the affair and angry President Clinton called it quote the most outrageous deception regarding ones military service since me.
President Clinton that this week with Chinese dissident waging shang a leading advocate of democracy in China who had been imprisoned and tortured for nearly 18 years however the meeting had to be abruptly cut short when the president learned that mr. Jang is broke at a congressional hearing this week Republicans blasted attorney General Janet Reno for her refusal to investigate White House fundraising responding to criticisms RINO said Wow some congressmen must really want their homes firebombed and run over by tanks and.
Well president clinton received an early Christmas present this week an adorable labrador puppy and presidential historian say that it will be good for his image according to these scholars in comparison to a male dog the president sex life will seem relatively normal why sad story from the world of entertainment this week actor Bob Bell better known to millions bozo the clown has died at the age of 75 commenting on his passing.


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